Are You Good in Bed?

I ask my clients about their best sex ever because I can learn a lot about them from that memory. Usually they don’t tell me about any particular experience. Instead, they tell me about their favorite lover.

Robby Fontanesi / Shutterstock

Source: Robby Fontanesi / Shutterstock

Being an incredible lover is a great goal. Why? Because it’s bigger than sex. People who are sexually satisfied tend to feel happier in their romance and feel more connected to their lover. Also, sexually satisfied people tend to feel happier about life in general. But all of this is not intended to minimize the exquisite thrill of a great lay.

In my therapy room, I often ask people about their best sex because it tells me a lot. It’s a rare person who doesn’t have an instant answer to this question, even though they don’t usually tell me about any particular experience. Instead, they respond by telling me about their favorite lover. And while you can’t always tell exactly why this person was such a sexual rock star, reading between the lines isn’t too difficult.

Being a great lover takes practice – sexual skills are cultivated over time. Just as most veteran violinists weren’t born virtuosos, I’m pretty sure that most of the people I hear about weren’t born great in bed. Instead, it’s much more likely that they were just so interested in sex that they practiced their art as best they could.

Being a good lover is much more than your sexual “technique” or how you touch your partner’s genitals. It’s more than just communicating about your preferences and practicing consensual, safe sex. Based on my unofficial research, here are some things you can do to earn an exceptional lover award:

  • Feel comfortable with great emotions – your own and those of your loved one. Don’t be afraid to show your excitement. Passion is a bold feeling, and your lover will likely struggle to go there alone – it just feels too vulnerable. Your consolation with great emotions and your willingness to increase the intensity between you communicate that your lover doesn’t need to feel confident about how he moves, looks or sounds. They don’t have to be self-contained – you can handle whatever they dish out. This gives them permission to delve deeper into their own experiences.
  • Touch courageously and confidently, rather than hesitantly and carefully. If you are too polite in bed, you risk appearing passive. Most people do not appreciate a lover’s passivity. Your lover will not go to his sexual limits if he consciously or unconsciously believes that you are not strong enough for it. People avoid indulging in a weaker sexual partner, and for many people, the feeling of surrender is crucial to amazing sex. People know that sex won’t be as juicy if their lover is too passive.
  • Be present with your lover. Make eye contact, talk to them sexy, make them feel seen. When people feel sexually seen and valued, they are much more likely to let go. In addition to communicating that you are having sex, communicate that you are having sex with them. It implies that you want your partner and that he is turning you on. This helps them feel confident and creates enough security that they are more willing to play on their sexual side – that line where risk increases passion.
  • Take the lead – people love to have sex with bold sex partners. In fact, one of my most popular blog posts is about exactly why dominant sex partners are so compelling. People crave sex with a partner who knows what they want and who is ready to make it happen. Instead of me explaining everything here, check out the post.
  • Be both generous and selfish. Being generous with your lover shows that they’re more than just a vehicle for getting out of the car, but generosity alone gets boring and can even be interpreted as a need for performance for you – as if they had to get out to make you feel good. This is the situation in which you will appear needy trying to be great. I guess that’s more common than you think because I hear a lot from straight women. There is such a thing as being too generous in bed. Instead, selfishness in the bedroom is extremely erotic when paired with moments of generosity.

And one last note. You may have noticed that looks are not on this list. That’s because I seldom hear that a lover’s looks are the key to what makes them great. Of course, I occasionally hear that someone was the “perfect” physique. But more often than not, looks are not part of our conversation about the “best sex ever”. Interesting, yes?

Leave a Comment